by Richard Falk

IPN.Com-padang-“So why did the Israeli government boycott the commission? The real answer is quite simple: they knew full well that the commission, any commission, would have to reach the conclusions it did reach.”
- Uri Avnery (Israeli peace activist, and former Knesset member), “On the Goldstone Report” 19 Sept 2009

[Editor's note: Click here to view the full Goldstone Report, or here for the Executive Summary.]

Richard Goldstone, former judge of South Africa’s Constitutional Court, the first prosecutor at The Hague on behalf of the International Criminal Court for Former Yugolavia, and anti-apartheid campaigner reports that he was most reluctant to take on the job of chairing the UN fact-finding mission charged with investigating allegations of war crimes committed by Israel and Hamas during the three week Gaza War of last winter.

Goldstone explains that his reluctance was due to the issue being “deeply charged and politically loaded,” and was overcome because he and his fellow commissioners were “professionals committed to an objective, fact-based investigation,” adding that “above all, I accepted because I believe deeply in the rule of law and the laws of war,” as well as the duty to protect civilians to the extent possible in combat zones. The four-person fact-finding mission was composed of widely respected and highly qualified individuals, including the distinguished international law scholar, Christine Chinkin, a professor at the London School of Economics. Undoubtedly adding complexity to Goldstone’s decision is the fact that he is Jewish, with deep emotional and family ties to Israel and Zionism, bonds solidified by his long association with several organizations active in Israel.

Despite the impeccable credentials of the commission members, and the worldwide reputation of Richard Goldstone as a person of integrity and political balance, Israel refused cooperation from the outset. It did not even allow the UN undertaking to enter Israel or the Palestinian Territories, forcing reliance on the Egyptian government to facilitate entry at Rafah to Gaza. As Uri Avnery observes, however much Israel may attack the commission report as one-sided and unfair, the only plausible explanation of its refusal to cooperate with fact-finding and taking the opportunity to tell its side of the story was that it had nothing to tell that could hope to overcome the overwhelming evidence of the Israeli failure to carry out its attacks on Gaza last winter in accordance with the international law of war. No credible international commission could reach any set of conclusions other than those reached by the Goldstone Report on the central allegations.

In substantive respects the Goldstone Report adds nothing new. Its main contribution is to confirm widely reported and analyzed Israeli military practices during the Gaza War. There had been several reliable reports already issued, condemning Israel’s tactics as violations of the laws of war and international humanitarian law, including by Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, and a variety of respected Israeli human rights groups. Journalists and senior United Nations civil servants had reached similar conclusions.

Perhaps, most damning of all the material available before the Goldstone Report was the publication of a document entitled “Breaking the Silence,” containing commentaries by thirty members of the Israel Defense Forces who had taken part in Operation Cast Lead (the Israeli official name for the Gaza War). These soldiers spoke movingly about the loose rules of engagement issued by their commanders that explains why so little care was taken to avoid civilian casualties. The sense emerges from what these IDF soldiers who were in no sense critical of Israel or even of the Gaza War as such, that Israeli policy emerged out of a combination of efforts ‘to teach the people of Gaza a lesson for their support of Hamas’ and to keep IDF casualties as close to zero as possible even if meant massive death and destruction for innocent Palestinians.

Given this background of a prior international consensus on the unlawfulness of Operation Cast Lead, we must first wonder why this massive report of 575 pages has been greeted with such alarm by Israel and given so much attention in the world media. It added little to what was previously known. Arguably, it was more sensitive to Israel’s contentions that Hamas was guilty of war crimes by firing rockets into its territory than earlier reports had been. And in many ways the Goldstone Report endorses the misleading main line of the Israeli narrative by assuming that Israel was acting in self-defense against a terrorist adversary. The report focuses its criticism on Israel’s excessive and indiscriminate uses of force. It does this by examining the evidence surrounding a series of incidents involving attacks on civilians and non-military targets. The report also does draw attention to the unlawful blockade that has restricted the flow of food, fuel, and medical supplies to subsistence levels in Gaza before, during, and since Operation Cast Lead. Such a blockade is a flagrant instance of collective punishment, explicitly prohibited by Article 33 of the Fourth Geneva Convention setting forth the legal duties of an occupying power.

All along Israel had rejected international criticism of its conduct of military operations in the Gaza War, claiming that the IDF was the most moral fighting force on the face of the earth. The IDF conducted some nominal investigations of alleged unlawful behavior that consistently vindicated the military tactics relied upon and steadfastly promised to protect any Israeli military officer or political leader internationally accused of war crimes. In view of this extensive background of confirmed allegation and angry Israeli rejection, why has the Goldstone Report been treated in Tel Aviv as a bombshell that is deeply threatening to Israel’s stature as a sovereign state?

Israel’s president, Shimon Peres, calling the report “a mockery of history” that “fails to distinguish the aggressor and a state exercising the right of self-defense,” insisting that it “legitimizes terrorist activity, the pursuit of murder and death.” More commonly Israel’s zealous defenders condemned the report as one-sided, biased, reaching foregone conclusions, and emanating from the supposedly bastion of anti-Israeli attitudes at the UN’s Human Rights Council. This line of response to any criticism of Israel’s behavior in occupied Palestine, especially if it comes from the UN or human rights NGOs is to cry “foul play!” and avoid any real look at the substance of the charges. It is an example of what I call ‘the politics of deflection,’ attempting to shift the attention of an audience away from the message to the messenger. The more damning the criticism, the more ferocious the response. From this perspective, the Goldstone Report obviously hit the bullseye!

Considered more carefully, there are some good reasons for Israel’s panicked reaction to this damning report. First, it does come with the backing of an eminent international personality who cannot credibly be accused of anti-Israel bias, making it harder to deflect attention from the findings no matter how loud the screaming of ‘foul play.’ Any fair reading of the report would show that it was balanced, was eminently mindful of Israel’s arguments relating to security, and indeed gave Israel the benefit of the doubt on some key issues.

Secondly, the unsurprising findings are coupled with strong recommendations that do go well beyond previous reports. Two are likely causing the Israeli leadership great worry: the report recommends strongly that if Israel and Hamas do not themselves within six months engage in an investigation and followup action meeting international standards of objectivity with respect to these violations of the law of war, then the Security Council should be brought into the picture, being encouraged to consider referring the whole issue of Israeli and Hamas accountability to the prosecutor of the International Criminal Court in The Hague. Even if Israel is spared this indignity by the diplomatic muscle of the United States, and possibly some European governments, the negative public relations implications of a failure to abide by this report could be severe.

Thirdly, whatever happens in the UN System, and at the Human Rights Council in Geneva, the weight of the report will be felt by world public opinion. Ever since the Gaza War the solidity of Jewish support for Israel has been fraying at the edges, and this will likely now fray much further. More globally, a very robust boycott and divestment movement was gaining momentum ever since the Gaza War, and the Goldstone Report can only lend added support to such initiatives. There is a growing sense around the world that the only chance for the Palestinians to achieve some kind of just peace depends on the outcome over the symbols of legitimacy, what I have called the Legitimacy War. Increasingly, the Palestinians have been winning this second non-military war. Such a war fought on a global political battlefield is what eventually and unexpectedly undermined the apartheid regime in South Africa, and has become much more threatening to the Israeli sense of security than has armed Palestinian resistance.

A fourth reason for Israeli worry stemming from the report, is the green light given to national courts throughout the world to enforce international criminal law against Israelis suspects should they travel abroad and be detained for prosecution or extradition in some third country. Such individuals could be charged with war crimes arising from their involvement in the Gaza War. The report in this way encourages somewhat controversial reliance on what is known among lawyers as ‘universal jurisdiction,’ that is, the authority of courts in any country to detain for extradition or to prosecute individuals for violations of international criminal law regardless of where the alleged offenses took place.

Reaction in the Israeli media reveals that Israeli citizens are already anxious about being apprehended during foreign travel. As one law commentator put it in the Israeli press, “From now on, not only soldiers should be careful when they travel abroad, but also ministers and legal advisers.” It is well to recall that Article 1 of the Geneva Conventions calls on states throughout the world “to respect and ensure respect” for international humanitarian law “in all circumstances.” Remembering the efforts in 1998 of several European courts to prosecute Augusto Pinochet for crimes committed while he was head of state in Chile, is a reminder that national courts can be used to prosecute political and military leaders for crimes committed elsewhere than in the territory of the prosecuting state.

Of course, Israel will fight back. It has already launched a media and diplomatic blitz designed to portray the report as so one-sided as to be unworthy of serious attention. The United States Government has already disappointingly appeared to endorse this view, and repudiate the central recommendation in the Goldstone Report that the Security Council be assigned the task of implementing its findings. The American Ambassador to the UN, Susan Rice, evidently told a closed session of the Security Council on September 16, just a day after the report was issued, that “[w]e have serious concerns about many recommendations in the report.” Elaborating on this, Ambassador Rice indicated that the UN Human Rights Council, which has no implementing authority, is the only proper venue for any action to be taken on the basis of the report. The initial struggle will likely be whether to follow the recommendation of the report to have the Security Council refer the issues of accountability to the International Criminal Court, which could be blocked by a veto from the United States or other permanent members.

There are reasons to applaud the forthrightness and comprehensiveness of the report, its care, and scrupulous willingness to conclude that both Israel and Hamas seem responsible for behavior that appears to constitute war crimes, if not crimes against humanity. Although Israel has succeeded in having the issue of one-sidedness focus on fairness to Israel, there are also some reasons to insist that the report falls short of Palestinian hopes.

For one thing, the report takes for granted, the dubious proposition that Israel was entitled to act against Gaza in self-defense, thereby excluding inquiry into whether crimes against the peace in the form of aggression had taken place by the launching of the attack. In this respect, the report takes no notice of the temporary ceasefire that had cut the rocket fire directed at Israel practically to zero in the months preceding the attacks, nor of Hamas’ repeated efforts to extend the ceasefire indefinitely provided Israel lifted its unlawful blockade of Gaza.

Further it was Israel that had seemed to provoke the breakdown of the ceasefire when it launched a lethal attack on Hamas militants in Gaza on November 4, 2008. Israel disregarded this seemingly available diplomatic alternative to war to achieve security on its borders. Recourse to war, even if the facts justify self-defense, is according to international law, a last resort. By ignoring Israel’s initiation of a one-sided war the Goldstone Report accepts the dubious central premise of Operation Cast Lead, and avoids making a finding of aggression.

Also, disappointing was the failure of the report to comment upon the Israeli denial of a refugee option to the civilian population trapped in the tiny, crowded combat zone that constitutes the Gaza Strip. Israel closed all crossings during the period of the Gaza War, allowing only Gaza residents with foreign passports to leave. It is rare in modern warfare that civilians are not given the option to become refugees. Although there is no specific provision of the laws of war requiring a state at war to allow civilians to leave the combat zone, it seems like an elementary humanitarian requirement, and should at least have been mentioned either as part of customary international law or as a gap in the law that should be filled.

The importance of this issue is reinforced by many accounts of the widespread post-traumatic stress experienced by the civilians in Gaza, especially children that comprise 53% of the population. One might also notice that the report accords considerable attention to Gilad Shalit, the one IDF prisoner held by Hamas in Gaza, recommending his release on humanitarian grounds, while making no comparable suggestion to Israel although it is holding thousands of Palestinians under conditions of harsh detention.

In the end, the Goldstone Report is unlikely to break the inter-governmental refusal to challenge the Israeli blockade of Gaza or to induce the United Nations to challenge Israeli impunity in any meaningful way. Depending on backroom diplomacy, the United States may or may not be able to avoid playing a public role of shielding Israel from accountability for its behavior during the Gaza War or its continuing refusal to abide by international humanitarian law by lifting the blockade that continues to impinge daily upon the health of the entire population of Gaza.

Despite these limitations, the report is an historic contribution to the Palestinian struggle for justice, an impeccable documentation of a crucial chapter in their victimization under occupation. Its impact will be felt most impressively on the growing civil society movement throughout the world to impose cultural, sporting, and academic boycotts, as well as to discourage investment, trade, and tourism with Israel. It may yet be the case that as in the anti-apartheid struggle the shift in the relation of forces in the Palestinian favor will occur not through diplomacy or as a result of armed resistance, but on the symbolic battlefield of legitimacy that has become global in scope, what might be described as the new political relevance of moral and legal globalization.

[This essay originally appeared on the website of the Transnational Foundation for Peace and Future Research (TFF)]

Posted on October 18th, 2009

Richard Falk is Professor Emeritus of International Law and Practice at Princeton University and Distinguished Visiting Professor at the University of California at Santa Barbara. He is the author, among other works, of "Crimes of War", "Revolutionaries and Functionaries", "The War System", "A Study of Future Worlds", "The End of World Order", Revitalizing International Law", "Nuclear Weapons and International Law" and "On Human Governance". He has been an adviser to TFF since its beginning in 1985.

baca Lebih Lanjut - Why Goldstone’s Report Matters

Fri Oct 16, 1:03 PM ET

US Department of Defense handout photo shows an aerial view of the River Entrance of the Pentagon. The Pentagon said on Friday it was reviewing restrictions imposed on journalists taking photos of wounded soldiers in Afghanistan amid criticism from media freedom activists.(AFP/DoD-HO/File)

IPN.Com-The U.S. military command in eastern Afghanistan has rescinded a ban on the publication of photos depicting slain U.S. military personnel, a Pentagon spokesman said Tuesday.

The month-old ban had triggered concerns among lawmakers as well as from several media organizations.

"I am relieved that this short-lived attempt to control the media and the public's right to know has come to an end," Louise M. Slaughter, D-N.Y., chairwoman of the House Rules Committee, said in a written response to a query. "Prior restraint on photography is not a good policy for the Pentagon. It's always been my belief that the American people should see the hard reality of our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan."

A Pentagon official said the decision to undo the ban was internally driven and not caused by pressure from Congress. Some in the Defense Department expressed concern to the brass in Afghanistan that they had gone too far in censoring the press and urged reconsideration of the new policy, the official said.

The U.S. military has censored photos in previous conflicts, but the new rule was the most far-reaching restriction instituted for reporters covering the military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Rep. Mike Pence, R-Ind., was among those in Congress who had expressed concerns about the censorship. While recognizing the sensitivities of families whose loved ones are killed in combat, Pence said the public needs to see the unvarnished story from Afghanistan, as it has in past wars.

baca Lebih Lanjut - Military Reverses Ban on Publicizing Fatal War Photos

IPN.Com-Talking trash about our bodies has gotten so bad and so common that a few months ago Glamour reader and jeans saleswoman Gyasi Atkins had to write us to vent. “I finally started telling my customers that they are not allowed to use the word fat in my presence,” wrote the 22-year-old from Columbus, Ohio, who has helped thousands of women find the right jeans. She got us thinking: What else do people with a front-row seat to women’s body issues see? Atkins and seven experts who look at women all day, every day agree that we’re way too hard on ourselves. They believe you can correct your body-image distortions without lying to yourself—and even look hotter in the process. Listen to their words of body wisdom.

“Your body doesn’t deserve to be bashed!”

—Gyasi Atkins, Saks Fifth Avenue sales associate

“Of the 100-plus women who walk into my department every day, almost all will ask me to help them find jeans to fit their ‘fat’ butt or ‘big’ thighs. Instead of letting them feel flawed, I try to convince them that hiding under oversize Mom jeans and baggy T-shirts is distorting what they look like and how they see themselves. I insist that they put on at least one pair that shows their butt so they can see how much more flattering a fitted silhouette is.

“I also don’t feed into negative language. Terms like chunky, huge and gross don’t belong in my store. It’s partly selfish: I don’t want to be influenced by their negativity. Besides, if someone came in and started beating up my customer, I would intervene. The same goes for verbal self-bashing. I like to think I’m breaking a cycle. Even a half hour of seeing your body in a positive light can help.”

“When you focus on the body parts you love, your ‘flaws’ fade away.”

—Madame Athena Chang, portrait photographer

“I shoot nudes, and looking at a roll of film frame by frame, I can literally see the moment when a subject has forgotten about what she considers her problem areas. She’s stopped slouching, rounding her shoulders or even posing. To help her get to that point, I ask what she’s most proud of—her arms, legs, breasts, whatever—and I shoot it. Then we look at those shots together and, more often than not, when she sees them, she comes up with other things she likes. Of course, you don’t need to take nude photos to start feeling better. Look in the mirror and focus your eyes and thoughts on what you like. Do this once a day and you’ll be amazed at how your ‘flaws’ become a tiny portion of your beautiful whole.”

baca Lebih Lanjut - What Everyone But You Sees About Your Body

IPN.Com-It's a photo that measures all of three by three inches in our September issue, but the letters about it started to flood my inbox literally the day Glamour hit newsstands. (As editor-in-chief, I pay attention to this stuff!) "I am gasping with delight...I love the woman on p 194!" said one...then another, and another, andanotherandanotherandanother. So...who is she? And what on earth is so special about her?

UPDATE: See the body image revolution started by your amazing comments below.

Here's the deal: The picture wasn't of a celebrity. It wasn't of a supermodel. It was of a woman sitting in her underwear with a smile on her face and a belly that looks...wait for it...normal.

I'd loved this photo at first sight myself--we'd commissioned it for a story on feeling comfortable in your skin, and wanted a model who looked like she was. But even so, the letters blew me away: "the most amazing photograph I've ever seen in any women's magazine," wrote one reader in Pavo, Georgia. From another in Somerset, Massachusetts: "This beautiful woman has a real stomach and did I even see a few stretch marks? This is how my belly looks after giving birth to my two amazing kids! This photo made me want to shout from the rooftops."

The emails were filled with such joy--joy at seeing a woman's body with all the curves and quirks and rolls found in nature. (Raising a question: With all the six-packs out there, do you even know what a normal belly looks like anymore--other than the one you see in the mirror?)

So what's the story behind the photo? "The woman on p. 194" is actually 20-year-old model Lizzi Miller, and this is her second appearance in Glamour, shot by fashion photographer Walter Chin. A size 12-14 and avid softball player/belly dancer ("I like exercising when it's fun"), Lizzi moved to New York City from San Jose three years ago to become a model (a "plus-size" one by modeling industry standards, though hello, at size 12 she's actually "normal size"...but I digress).

"When I was young I really struggled with my body and how it looked because I didn't understand why my friends were so effortlessly skinny," Lizzi told me. "As I got older I realized that everyone's body is different and not everyone is skinny naturally--me included! I learned to love my body for how it is, every curve of it. I used to be so self-conscious in a bikini because my stomach wasn't perfectly defined. But everyone has different body shapes! And it's not all about the physical! If you walk on the beach in your bikini with confidence and you feel sexy, people will see you that way too."

As for the letters, Lizzi's loving them. "When I read them I got teary-eyed!" she says. "I've been that girl, flipping through magazines trying to find just one person who looked a little bit like me. And when I didn't find it I would start to think there's something wrong with the way that I looked. When J. Lo and Beyoncé came out and were making curves sexy, I started to accept myself more. It's funny, but just seeing them look and feel sexy enabled me to do the same." Lizzi, now you're doing the same for all of us--massive congrats on that.

We had some rollicking debates in this blog last week about "fattism" and the TV shows for plus-size women. So let's start off this week with something we can all get behind: a toast to the woman on p. 194, and to the spectacular sexiness of owning who you are. Trust me, Glamour's listening, and this only strengthens our commitment to celebrating all kinds of beauty.

Now tell me...what do you think of the picture? Can a photo make you feel better or worse about your own looks? And what kinds of images would you like to see more of in Glamour?

UPDATE: I continue to be amazed by all of your thoughtful comments below, as does Lizzi; to watch her take on readers' reactions to her photo, check out our recent appearance on The Today Show.

UPDATE: See the body image revolution started by your amazing comments below.

baca Lebih Lanjut - On the C.L.: The Picture You Can't Stop Talking About: Meet "the Woman "

IPN.Com-About six years ago, I was working on a magazine, and the art director was an older married man. But he seemed to forget about his wedding ring when he was around us single girls. He would flirt and poke us in the stomachs (which sounds harmless but felt SO weird)...

I never said anything, but I regret that. Speaking up felt awkward at the time--especially since he was older and his job was ranked above mine--but nowadays I would probably half-seriously joke that his wife wouldn't be happy if she saw him flirting, and if he still didn't stop, I'd tell him more formally to cut it out or I'd turn to human resources. At least, I hope I'd do that--it can be scary to speak up when it's actually happening!

baca Lebih Lanjut - Have You Ever Been Sexually Harassed in the Workplace?

IPN.Com-1. Having an affair with his "potential"

Wanting your man to be the best version of himself is admirable, but approaching his looks and personality with "Extreme Makeover" ambition will do little more than erode his self-esteem and leave you both frustrated and resentful. "If you and your partner believe that love means acceptance, pushing him to change and criticizing him is going to send him the opposite message. What he hears is 'you aren't good enough,'" says Nina Atwood, M.Ed., L.P.C., author of "Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid."

How to rebuild: This is where the old 80-20 rule can be used to the benefit of both of you. Spend at least 80 percent of your time together letting your partner know all the things you adore and appreciate about him, so that when you mention something you don't like, it doesn't feel like another item on a long list of failures.

More Glamour:

• Five Secrets All Guys Keep From You
• Seven Things a Guy's Bedroom Says About Him

#2. Major mood swings

We're living in some pretty anxiety-inducing times, and when life takes a stressful turn, it's not uncommon for couples to start taking out that stress on each other. While the occasional mood swing can -- and should -- be forgiven, being in a relationship with someone whose bad moods outnumber her good ones can make a man run for cover. Wouldn't you do the same?

How to rebuild: The next time you catch yourself taking a downturn, take a moment to consider what kind of impact your moods are having on your man and the relationship. "If a woman is too moody, we start to walk on eggshells because we just don't want to deal with the drama," says Matt, 31, of San Diego.

#3. Gossip

Talking to pals about your love life is a normal part of friendship, but if you're calling your BFF, your sister, and your mom every time your man pisses you off, you're not only going to wind up embarrassed when the storm passes, you'll also find yourself in a relationship with someone who feels violated and judged. "As a couple, private information should stay private or you risk damaging your reputation as a couple, which in turn may isolate you from others and sever your relationship," says Dan Schawbel, personal branding expert and author of "Me: 2.0." Remember that word of mouth is a powerful force, and it can hurt your reputation if your mate or others brand you as untrustworthy."

How to rebuild: The next time you log on to his computer and find an improper download, resist the urge to get on the phone and vent to your top five. Instead, sit down and talk things out with the one person who can help you work through it. If you're not sure how to approach him about a certain topic, sit down and write him a letter. (Helpful hint: Sit on it for 24 hours to make sure it says what you really want to say and isn't just filled with angry words and blame.)

#4. Melodrama

If you're calling him in tears every time your coworker irritates you, deleting him from Facebook during every argument, and threatening to end the relationship over him leaving the toilet seat up (again!), he might start looking for a new leading lady. "Men have a tendency to really like low-maintenance girls when it comes to relationships," says Kristian, 35, of New York City. "We're pretty lazy in general, and it's exhausting when you need to work so hard to make someone happy and calm them down every day."

How to rebuild: Save the details of your office drama for brunch with the girls, and the next time you feel your inner Heidi Montag moving center stage, take a deep breath and rate the situation on a scale from 1 to 10. If it scores below a 5, let it go and save award-worthy performances for anything above a 9 (cheating, insulting your boss at your holiday party, etc.).

#5. "Mom-ing" him

Your man loves his mama and he loves you, but when you're the one telling him to stop playing Guitar Hero, scoffing at his lack of manners, or informing him he can't go out with his pals because he has a "big day tomorrow," it's anything but appealing. He'll not only resent that you're trying to control him, but he'll also likely do what all children do when they're being reprimanded -- rebel. "Scolding your mate creates an unhealthy dynamic of parent-child relationship, which automatically puts your partner into a child role and you into the role of mom," says Jeannine Estes, M.A, a marriage and family therapist and author of "Relationships in the Raw." "Children often do the opposite when they feel as if they don't have a choice, and this is similar for couples."

How to rebuild: "Instead of scolding or telling him what to do or not do, try to ask for your needs in a clear and respectful way and avoid using the 'mother' tone," says Estes. "Share with your partner the importance of your needs rather than demanding or scoffing at what he has or hasn't done right. Also, scolding him like you are his mother can put you in a parent role, carrying the relationship without any assistance or partnership."

#6. Too much together time

Spending time with your guy is one of the best parts of being in a relationship, but there's a big difference between bonding and being joined at the hip. "Many men are attracted to secure, independent women," says Stacey Rosenfeld, Ph.D, a New York City psychologist. "Once in relationships, women may tend to become more dependent, to demand more time and attention of their partners. This can represent a problem, as often men need more space than women."

How to rebuild: Remind your guy of the independent and fabulous woman he was initially attracted to by indulging in your favorite pastimes and enjoying your friends without him every once in a while. By flashing your independence, you'll not only give him a chance to miss you but also have interesting things to share with him when you meet up.

#7. Jealousy

He lets you know how much he loves you constantly, but that doesn't stop you from checking his phone when he's in the shower or sending every pretty girl he talks to eye-daggers. Although a tiny bit of jealousy in a relationship is normal, accusing your man of cheating and questioning his whereabouts every time he walks in will have him feeling controlled, manipulated, and insulted. "Jealousy in a relationship, or even personally, is the spiritual equivalent of dumping hydrochloric acid on the person," says 33-year-old Marc from Los Angeles. "Just sit back and prepare for the disintegration."

How to rebuild: Unless your man has said or done things to make you suspicious, your jealousy is more about your relationship with yourself than you two as a couple. Back away from his computer and check out your own history. Were you betrayed in the past? Did you grow up in a household where the fidelity vows were broken? There might be ways in which you are allowing unresolved issues from your past to dictate your present behavior. If you don't feel you can overcome the green monster on your own, don't be afraid to reach out to a qualified counselor who can help you identify the sources of your insecurity and work through them.

#8. Getting too comfortable

In the beginning of a relationship, both parties make sure to look and act their best, but as time moves on, the sweatpants come out and routine takes over. "People tend to get lazy in their relationships, and while it's good to be comfortable, no one wants to be boring or to be bored," says Lissa Coffey, author of "What's Your Dosha, Baby? Discover the Vedic Way for Compatibility in Life and Love."

How to rebuild: Men love to be seduced and romanced as much as we do, and part of what makes the courtship phase of relationships so fun is the experience of uncovering the mystery of another and trying new things together. "When a woman stops making an effort to look nice for her man and expects him to take care of all the stuff in the romance department, a man begins to feel taken for granted and thinks that she doesn't care about impressing him anymore," says Brian, 30, of New York City. Show your guy he's still worth the effort by surprising him with a break from the ratty T-shirt you wear to bed, a sweet note, or planning a special night out for him "just because." He'll not only appreciate it, he'll also reciprocate -- and that's a give and take to get excited about.

baca Lebih Lanjut - Dating Tips: 8 Habits That Wreck Your Relationship

(JP/Sunita Sue Leng)

IPN.Com-The best time to visit Borobudur Temple is at dawn. That is when Central Java’s magnificent World Heritage monument is enveloped in cool mist and peace.

That is when you will be able to climb the ancient stones in near solitude and be rewarded with a view of the candi’s rotund stupas – 72 in total – rising majestically out of the mist with the first rays of the sun.

Of course, you don’t actually have Borobudur to yourself. When I went, I was surprised to find 20 to 30 others on the highest terrace of the monument, waiting impatiently for the sun to come up.

They were mostly foreign tourists, some with fancy cameras on tripods, some with little children. However, it was relatively quiet and I felt very fortunate to be able to visit this historic gem in such serene circumstances.

This was my second visit to Borobudur, and how different it was from the first. I had come the day before and made the mistake of coming on a Sunday. The entrance at the foot of the monument was already buzzing with people eager to set foot on the monument and as I looked across the length of Borobudur Park, I could see a never-ending stream of people making their way toward the entrance.

Borobudur at dawn – quiet and peaceful (JP/Sunita Sue Leng)

Once past the entrance, it was quite a challenge trying to navigate the stairways. The narrow stone stairways were choc-a-bloc with people, so climbing was a slow process, often with a view of nothing else but someone else’s posterior. When I got to the top, several visitors, mostly teenagers or children, were seated on top of the stupas, despite signs forbidding visitors to do so.

Strewn across the floors of Borobudur’s many terraces was litter – cigarette butts, empty bottles of mineral water, plastic bags. The few dustbins that were available were already full to the brim. It was not a pretty sight.

According to the authorities, Borobudur gets about 2.5 million visitors a year, the bulk of whom are Indonesians. When I went, schools were on their year-end break so a high proportion of the visitors that day were large groups of excited students on school outings. The rest were mostly families from neighboring provinces who had come on holiday, and a handful of foreign tourists accompanied by their guides (or guidebooks).

Litter along the terraces of Borobudur could damage the porous surfaces of the ancient stones (JP/Sunita Sue Leng)

It is comforting to know that so many people make the effort to visit Borobudur. After all, the monument is a present-day window to Indonesia’s glorious past. It is also an enduring memento of the advanced level of craftsmanship that prevailed in Java at a time when Western Europe was struggling through its Dark Ages.

Built in the eighth and ninth centuries, Borobudur houses a staggering 2,672 relief panels, many exquisitely detailed, as well as 504 Buddha statues. At the summit, a gigantic central stupa rests on a massive lotus-shaped base half a meter thick, making this the largest Buddhist stupa in the world.

Borobudur is a place of pilgrimage for those of the Buddhist faith. Its passages were designed for monks to circumambulate the edifice in silent prayer. Along the lower square terraces, they would be flanked by carvings such as the biography of the Lord Buddha, from his descent from heaven until his enlightenment, which is depicted on the main wall of the first gallery.

As they ascended to the higher circular terraces, they would be surrounded by unembellished stone walls, representing Buddhism’s Sphere of Formlessness. Above them, the main stupa – which is empty, signifying Nirvana – would soar into the sky. Today, Buddhist rituals are still carried out at Borobudur on auspicious days such as Waisak.

On top of this, Borobudur lies amid great natural beauty. As I stood atop the candi’s highest tier, I was almost eye to eye with Mount Merapi, the still-active volcano that soars 2,911 meters in the northeast. It was wrapped in fluffy clouds, while on the ground, green rice paddies stretched for miles.

Children climbing one of the stupas (JP/Sunita Sue Leng)

On the western and southern edges, the Menoreh hills rose and fell. This is the geographical center of Java. Called the Kedu Plain, it is also known as the Garden of Java as it has been made unusually fertile and lush by volcanic earth and the intersection of two rivers, the Progo and the Elo.

Little wonder, then, that so many are drawn to Borobudur, which is already under threat, even without the crowds. According to the Borobudur Heritage Conservation Institute, acid rain has damaged some of the carvings, while global warming could cause more fissures and cracks in the monument’s stones.

The growing number of tourists to Borobudur, which is managed by PT Taman Wisata Candi Borobudur, Prambanan and Ratu Boko, add further strain. Litter is not just unsightly; the remnants of cigarettes or sugary drinks could damage the porous surfaces of the monument’s stones. Overcrowding along the steep stairs holds the risk of accidents, should a child or elderly person slip and fall.

Poorly supervised youngsters mean unnecessary touching of carvings, or worse, climbing onto statues and stupas, contributing to erosion of its more fragile surfaces. Painstakingly restored in the ‘70s and ‘80s with help from UNESCO, the Borobudur temple is a grand inheritance that every Indonesian should be proud of, regardless of religion. It would be a shame to let it succumb today to modern-day tourism.

baca Lebih Lanjut - Borobudur at the crossroads

IPN.Com-So you've escaped middle age and are ready for the long calm of retirement.

What next? If you spend too much time rocking on the front porch, will your brain droop into autopilot?

One antidote for this is educational travel. Visit those exotic places that were only daydreams during your nose-to-the-grindstone years, and learn while you do it. Better still, travel with a group of people who share your interests and your age bracket.

This undated photo released by Elderhostel shows participants listening to a lecture outside the Vatican Museums in Rome, Italy on an Elderhostel tour called "The Eternal Splendor of Rome." (AP/Ilene Perlman)

One organization specializing in this kind of travel is Elderhostel, which says it is dedicated to providing "exceptional learning opportunities to adults at a remarkable value." Translation: travel with other seniors, learn interesting stuff, eat decent food and stay in comfortable lodging, at a price that won't turn your retirement budget to mush.

Intrigued by this idea, my wife and I picked Elderhostel for our first educational travel venture, a two-week tour of Israel last spring. We liked it enough to sign up for a second Elderhostel gig, this one to float the tributaries of the Amazon River in Peru next spring.

What's the attraction to this type of travel? The advantages include:

-Package price. Elderhostel pitches a single price without hidden costs. Pay once and the essential costs for your trip are covered.

-Learning. Lectures by experts allow you to learn more, and be more immersed in a local culture, than you would as an average tourist.

-Birds-of-a-feather. It's fun and comfortable to travel with other seniors who generally share your interest in travel and learning.

Elderhostel is a not-for-profit organization founded in 1975 on five college campuses in New Hampshire, based on the idea of inexpensive lodging and noncredit classes. By 1980, participation grew to 20,000 people in 50 states and Canada, and in 1981 Elderhostel offered its first international programs. Today Elderhostel says it attracts more than 160,000 participants annually to nearly 8,000 tour packages in more than 90 countries.

Elderhostel says the average cost of programs in the United States and Canada is a little over $100 per day, while international programs, not including airfare, average a bit over $200 per day. Elderhostel emphasizes a package price that covers meals, taxes, gratuities, lodging, lectures, excursions, activities and travel within a program, such as shuttles to various sites.

Participants provide their own transportation to domestic programs. For international programs, you can book the flights yourself or have Elderhostel do it.

Rates vary widely by destination and type of trip. My wife and I paid just under $10,000 to visit Israel. Our planned trip to Peru will cost around $11,600 for two. Both pricetags include roundtrip airfare from the United States.

Also on the high end is a 24-night study cruise of Antarctica, the Falkland Islands and a nearby island called South Georgia for around $14,000 per person. This price covers expert lectures, experienced group leaders, field trips, lodging, most meals, gratuities, taxes, ship travel, air shuttles and round-trip air fare from the United States to Buenos Aires. The cost varies by departure city.

But Elderhostel also offers programs for less than $600. You can study "The Cajun Experience" in Louisiana for $547 per person, including meals, five nights of hotel lodging and expert-led sessions ranging from how to dance the Cajun waltz to the history of Acadian migration from Nova Scotia to south Louisiana. You provide your own transportation to and from the program site in Lafayette, La.

This undated photo released by Elderhostel shows Elderhostel participants experiencing a cooking lesson with a French chef on a program in the Loire Valley. (AP/Ilene Perlman)

While Elderhostel makes no claim to five-star luxury, we gave good marks in Israel to our hotels, food, guides and expert lecturers.

One member of our group, 64-year-old Bill Stovall, a retired business analyst from Thorp, Wash., said fancy food and lodging aren't the goal. "We take these tours for the learning and exposure to a different culture," he said.

Our group hit the usual tour stops from the heights of Masada to the salty depths of the Dead Sea. What set it apart was hearing lectures from an array of expert speakers: a prominent Israeli archaeologist, a leading Christian clergyman from Jerusalem, a Palestinian, a retired Israel Defense Forces commander, a former Israeli intelligence officer, an Ethiopian refugee, a longtime kibbutz resident, an artist specializing in Jewish mysticism and a holocaust survivor who was a childhood friend of Anne Frank. These discussions ranged far beyond anything we could have arranged on our own.

Stovall's wife Lora, 61, a retired financial adviser to local governments, was pleased that the tour emphasized learning over typical tourist shopping sprees. "We want experiences, not material goods from our travels," she said.

Others enjoyed being immersed in an ancient culture. "Our guides were conservative, observant Jews. One of the satisfying characteristics of this trip was being included in some of the Sabbath rituals they shared," said Mary Barton, 83, a retired homemaker and teacher from Louisville, Ky. She was traveling with her husband Clarence, 79, a retired hospital chaplain and adjunct professor at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.

Our tour group was a potpourri of Jews, Christians and people of no strong religious leanings. This variety was an attraction for Esther Weinstein, 63, a retired public school music teacher from Henderson, Nev., making her fourth Elderhostel trip. Though she was raised in the Jewish faith, Ms. Weinstein thought she could have a richer experience by traveling with a mixed religious group. And she liked the idea that Elderhostel tries to pair up those who are traveling solo. "The thought of being in the midst of a 'sheltered' group was also reassuring to me as a solo female traveler," she said.

While the emphasis is on over-55 travelers, Elderhostel has added intergenerational programs for grandparents and their grandchildren. It also accepts younger participants as long as they are accompanying someone who is 55 or older.

Our group included a family foursome. Vere Chappell, 78, a retired philosophy professor from Pelham, Mass., and his wife Sheryl, 77, were joined by their 41-year-old son, Vere "Bogie" Chappell, and his wife Lita-Luise Chappell, 55, of Laguna Hills, Calif. Lita-Luise Chappell said their group seemed to be a good example for others, showing how family members could share and adapt.

Before taking any trip, especially overseas, research health insurance options. Medicare, with some exceptions, does not cover health care during travel outside the United States. For specifics, check http://www.medicare.gov or the 2009 "Medicare and You" guide.

Your supplemental policy may provide additional coverage, but you may want to consider buying travel health insurance. There are many options and the choice can be confusing. For starters, go to the U.S. State Department's travel page, http://travel.state.gov and click on "Tips for Traveling Abroad." Or check with a travel agent or state consumer protection agency.

Elderhostel offers a Travel Assistance Plan that covers a range of emergency travel assistance including medical evacuation, and on international trips, medical escort service and limited medical coverage for accidental injury or illness.

Research by Elderhostel points to changes in educational travel, particularly for Baby Boomers, the generation born between 1946 and 1964. The first Boomers now are reaching their early sixties. A 2005 study ("What Willl Baby Boomers Want from Educational Travel?") found that Boomers will want educational travel in retirement, but they have more financial concerns than their parents did, and many plan to do at least some work in retirement.

The study said travel programs should be shorter in order to fit busy schedules and keep prices affordable. It said Boomers will want to travel in small groups, with a mix of free time, hands-on learning and behind-the-scenes activities rather than ordinary tourist fare. Also, meals and lodging designed to fit the theme of a given trip.

Elderhostel has built these elements into a program called Road Scholar. This is focused on Boomers and includes offerings such as southwestern cooking in Santa Fe, N.M., exploring the Silk Road and Central Asia, or the "Robert Trent Jones Golf Trail" in Alabama.

baca Lebih Lanjut - Retired? Hit the road, help your brain